I absolutely can’t imagine being bullied and I’m so sorry that you had to endure that treatment. Thank you for your heart and vulnerability with everyone who has the privilege of meeting you!
I was born and raised in Hawaii, too. I’m haole, too. I’ve tried to tell people that being white in Hawaii was hard. It was for me, at least. Not for my nieces and nephews, thankfully.
I was 1 of 4 blonde kids in my 14-student 8th grade class. I wasn’t picked for the Lei Day court because I didn’t look like a native. Seems innocuous now, but then it was REALLY embarrassing. As a 12 year old, I had no idea how to navigate the envy I had for my friends, but also the feeling I had that something was wrong with me. Most kids probably go through these feelings and manage just fine. I think I did, but I definitely have some residual feelings that pop up every now and again.
"Turn off the news updates, the blogs, the social media. Block and ban and mute and silence the clamor. Choose a few trusted news sources and only allow those into your sphere, in limited doses. Ground yourself in nature and service to others in tangible ways, whatever that means to you." This is such good advice - thank you!
i ran into a guy who use to beat the crap out of me in Junior High ~ he got me into AA and we became close friends ~ our perspective of reality as children was formed by our environments ~ both his and my parents were raving alcoholics. That does not add up to a healthy view of what life is about or how we should treat others. That was then, isn't now, and will not be again, so i let that stuff go down as ancient history. "Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you." Jean-Paul Sartre
This is such an authentic article Toby. So many people who have been bullied when young never disclose it because they internalize it and blame themselves. You show that taking back the power from perpetrator can be liberating but complicated.
I believe in atonement. Years after a transgression, I apologized for something I knew was wrong at the time I did it. I was forgiven but even so... at my now-great age, I'm so ashamed of myself. My point is that I apologize when I realize it is merited.
Toby, I'm surprise the bully girl reached out to you––she must have selective memory. I'm glad you chose to honor yourself by letting her go. I had a former mean girl reach out to me earlier this year; I didn't follow up.
I can't believe the nerve of that girl friending you and messaging you. Did she forget what she did? Or maybe just deliberately tossed it out of her mind??? We had a bully at school. She was small and fierce and knew how to fight. I always wondered what was going through her head. She had to learn it somewhere. I didn't want her messing with me, so I made friends with the biggest, meanest- looking girl at school. Everyone feared her, even the bullies. Turns out she just wanted to fit in and be invited to sleep-overs, shopping, camping, etc. She was a sweetheart.
I like the tapping solution. I started it during Covid 2020 and never stopped. It's good for my anxiety. It's hard to be anxious when concentrating on doing something else. 😀
I never got your email yesterday. I looked all over for it. I'll message it to ya.
Age helps with forgiving those in your past. I realized as I aged that those I loved who hurt me were doing the best the could, just as I was in raising my children and living my life. Life is hard, not matter whether you are rich or poor, life happens. Good and bad happens, we do have to let go of the bad and remember the good. We aren't able to have a redo, this is it, forgive others and forgive yourself. Always easy to say, never easy to do, just do it. As for the ones you describe, they were doing their worst, not trying for best, but apparently some demon in their minds did need to exercise control for their satisfaction. I wonder what her problem was, you know she had one.
I wish I had just a little of your understanding and kindness. I envy you that. My heartfelt prayers go to you for not letting the small people keep you down. Reading your words keep me sane. Thank you
I absolutely can’t imagine being bullied and I’m so sorry that you had to endure that treatment. Thank you for your heart and vulnerability with everyone who has the privilege of meeting you!
I was born and raised in Hawaii, too. I’m haole, too. I’ve tried to tell people that being white in Hawaii was hard. It was for me, at least. Not for my nieces and nephews, thankfully.
I was 1 of 4 blonde kids in my 14-student 8th grade class. I wasn’t picked for the Lei Day court because I didn’t look like a native. Seems innocuous now, but then it was REALLY embarrassing. As a 12 year old, I had no idea how to navigate the envy I had for my friends, but also the feeling I had that something was wrong with me. Most kids probably go through these feelings and manage just fine. I think I did, but I definitely have some residual feelings that pop up every now and again.
Again, thank you for sharing your heart.
"Turn off the news updates, the blogs, the social media. Block and ban and mute and silence the clamor. Choose a few trusted news sources and only allow those into your sphere, in limited doses. Ground yourself in nature and service to others in tangible ways, whatever that means to you." This is such good advice - thank you!
I'm so sorry that she did this to you. I'm glad you reclaimed your power by kickin her to the curb. 🥾🚮💙
i ran into a guy who use to beat the crap out of me in Junior High ~ he got me into AA and we became close friends ~ our perspective of reality as children was formed by our environments ~ both his and my parents were raving alcoholics. That does not add up to a healthy view of what life is about or how we should treat others. That was then, isn't now, and will not be again, so i let that stuff go down as ancient history. "Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you." Jean-Paul Sartre
Wonderful quote, yes!
Just finished "Freckled" last night. Still processing. STUNNING! Prayers for you, Toby, and that your mental and physical health keep improving!
Mahalo Rachel! I am excited for what's ahead.
This is such an authentic article Toby. So many people who have been bullied when young never disclose it because they internalize it and blame themselves. You show that taking back the power from perpetrator can be liberating but complicated.
So true!
I believe in atonement. Years after a transgression, I apologized for something I knew was wrong at the time I did it. I was forgiven but even so... at my now-great age, I'm so ashamed of myself. My point is that I apologize when I realize it is merited.
Toby, I'm surprise the bully girl reached out to you––she must have selective memory. I'm glad you chose to honor yourself by letting her go. I had a former mean girl reach out to me earlier this year; I didn't follow up.
Thank you for the link and advice!
We need this!
Sending you healing thoughts, Toby. I enjoy your thrillers and especially love your nonfiction and posts like this one.
I looked everywhere and did not find the email you sent yesterday. I’m an annual subscriber.
Can you message me your email? I'll add you to the list that way!
I can't believe the nerve of that girl friending you and messaging you. Did she forget what she did? Or maybe just deliberately tossed it out of her mind??? We had a bully at school. She was small and fierce and knew how to fight. I always wondered what was going through her head. She had to learn it somewhere. I didn't want her messing with me, so I made friends with the biggest, meanest- looking girl at school. Everyone feared her, even the bullies. Turns out she just wanted to fit in and be invited to sleep-overs, shopping, camping, etc. She was a sweetheart.
I like the tapping solution. I started it during Covid 2020 and never stopped. It's good for my anxiety. It's hard to be anxious when concentrating on doing something else. 😀
I never got your email yesterday. I looked all over for it. I'll message it to ya.
Mahalo Cindy I will look for you too
Echoes my experience, really glad you shared, thanks xoxo
Age helps with forgiving those in your past. I realized as I aged that those I loved who hurt me were doing the best the could, just as I was in raising my children and living my life. Life is hard, not matter whether you are rich or poor, life happens. Good and bad happens, we do have to let go of the bad and remember the good. We aren't able to have a redo, this is it, forgive others and forgive yourself. Always easy to say, never easy to do, just do it. As for the ones you describe, they were doing their worst, not trying for best, but apparently some demon in their minds did need to exercise control for their satisfaction. I wonder what her problem was, you know she had one.
My heart goes out to your young, bullied self, and to you now in your quest to be free. Thank you for sharing this highly personal message.
All my best to you,
Carol Franck
I wish I had just a little of your understanding and kindness. I envy you that. My heartfelt prayers go to you for not letting the small people keep you down. Reading your words keep me sane. Thank you
My therapist introduced me to EFT when I was recovering from my marriage to a narcissist. Glad you recommend it.