What do you do when past bullies find you?

Addressing old wounds can set us free in body, mind, emotions

(Don’t forget to hit the ❤️ so I know you’re with me!)

I’m dealing with an issue stirred up by my past: childhood bullying I experienced fifty years ago is still affecting me today.

Five years after my memoir Freckled: a Memoir of Growing Up Wild in Hawaii came out, the biggest of all my bestselling books is still causing a ripple effect.

Bonny and Toby, hippie kids in the jungle on Kauai.

Something weird happened.

Kira Yoshimura (not her real name), the childhood nemesis described in FRECKLED, found me on Facebook and sent me a “friend” request.

This girl bullied me in an extreme, ongoing way from first through fifth grade as a kid growing up on Kauai in the 1970s. Her actions started “small”: she was the one who named me Haole Crap (a nickname I never shook.) She was a mean girl influencer that all the other kids wanted to please. She kept me isolated and despised by others, pinching me viciously and pulling my hair to name just a few tortures. In fifth grade, she organized a gang of kids to beat me up after school, effectively driving me out of school entirely.

It’s strange be a “somebody” that others, who picked on and despised me as a kid, now want to have as a ‘friend.’  

I had a lot of cognitive dissonance about Kira’s “friend” request. How should I respond? I felt paralyzed, a rabbit faced with a coyote.

So, I ignored her request. I didn’t delete it, though, afraid she’d find a way to attack me. I tried to deny the spike of ancient terror just seeing her name inspired. 

But the thoughts wouldn’t stop.

What did it mean that she'd "friended" me? Had she read the memoir? Did she see herself on the page, and remember what she did? Could she still rally her minions to hurt me in some way?

I ignored the friend request for so long that she eventually messaged me: "I heard about your books and I'm so proud to have known you! This is your classmate from Hanalei School."

I shook my head in disbelief, then cautiously replied, "Have you read any of my books?"

"No, but I plan to read Freckled because I heard it was so good and was about Kauai back in the day."

"You might be surprised," I replied. "Things were hard back then."

That was the end of our messaged conversation.

I accepted her friend request after that, but I continued to feel unsafe and haunted. Would she recognize herself as cruel Kira in the memoir? How could she not, when she'd organized an all-out gang-style assault on me after hula class? How would she respond when she saw her actions immortalized for the world to read?

I was spending too much time worrying about her, and her reaction to my true account of her bullying. It was painful to realize that Kira still had the power to scare me, to make me want to hide.

I was mad at myself for feeling that way!

Three college degrees in the field of psychology, a successful career as a therapist and writer, a legion of loving fans, a great family, and I was still terrified of this woman. 

I had worked hard to get where I was in spite of what she did to me…undeserved. Unprovoked. Cruel and relentless.

The bullying was wrong. I survived it, and I eventually overcame it.

Kira might have reformed; she could be the nicest person in the world now, a Mother Teresa of good works. But she lost the privilege of being my friend in any form, ever, when she cheered over my beaten body and drove me out of school.

Once I came to this conclusion, I knew what to do. I didn’t feel the strength or the need to confront her; but I also didn’t want her anywhere near me. Instead, I quietly unfriended and blocked her on all my social media.

I have forgiven Kira. I'm not angry about what happened. I see how everything in my past made me who I am, and I like who I am.

But I deserve to feel safe. Everyone does! Even with her out of my sphere, I felt unsettled; anxious.

So, how can we heal these old wounds?

I've prayed and been prayed over, I've done years of therapy, I've taken self-defense class, I've roared my truth in public.

Can I be honest? None of that really helped. 

The most effective method for letting go of the past that I've found is called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or "tapping."

Big wounds like those Kira inflicted may take years to clear as memories come up, but with tapping they get less and less painful. Eventually, you can remember something dark from the past, but feel no emotional charge around it.

I do tapping in person with my counseling clients, but for myself alone, I use a phone app called The Tapping Solution to do "emotional first aid” when upset feelings remind me of old wounds. (No, I am not an affiliate or salesperson of the Tapping Solution. I just like, use, and recommend it.)

Do you have old wounds that haunt you?

People so toxic that just seeing their name makes your heart rate spike?

Painful memories stored in your body that ache with the cold?

NOW is the time to clear, clean, and set yourself free. 

Do. It. 

Try whatever techniques and tools resonate for you until you feel a new release. Get professional help; it’s definitely a great first step.

And maybe you need to unfriend and block someone to feel safe. That is totally okay.

ALSO:

If you were abusive or a bully of others, it's time to accept responsibility and forgive yourself for that, too. There might just be a “Lose the Guilt” EFT tapping sequence that can help!

We all did the very best we could to survive and thrive while growing up. Let’s not relive any of that crap or inflict it on others going forward. Let's heal the past and go forward with lighter, freer hearts.

I also feel the need to mention the tremendous stress going on in the USA due to our fraught political situation. My 2 cents as a mental health professional is: do all you can to express your opinion, and take whatever political action you feel led to.

And once you have, LET IT GO. Turn off the news updates, the blogs, the social media. Block and ban and mute and silence the clamor. Choose a few trusted news sources and only allow those into your sphere, in limited doses. Ground yourself in nature and service to others in tangible ways, whatever that means to you.

We’re in a long term stress situation and burning out/freaking out won’t help anyone. Find ways to protect your mind and heart and that of your loved ones.

And believe it or not, tapping can help with global anxiety too. Check out that app or free YouTube videos. There are lots of them available!

Don’t forget to hit the ❤️ so I know you’re with me! and if you’re curious about my wild childhood in Hawaii, check out the memoir HERE.

A NOTE to ANNUAL/Founding Member SUBSCRIBERS: Yesterday I sent an email from a different platform to you, asking you to confirm your email address so I can send you the FULL LENGTH highly confidential copy of Wild Girl I promised. I need you to check your SPAM folder if you didn’t get an email from me and reply to that, to confirm. Once I hear from you, I’ll send the email with the link to download your book.

Thanks again to those of you who’ve supported me with not only words, but wallets. You, yes you, make a HUGE difference to my ability to keep coming to the keyboard. And if you’re moved to support me, now’s a great time to upgrade to paid. I’ll extend my offer of a (highly confidential) copy of WILD GIRL to new annual/Founding Member subscribers here, as well.